so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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