Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
