I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
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