I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
