if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
