he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Randomize
