I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
