she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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