How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I forget how to act sober
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
