if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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