Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
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We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
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I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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