i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
