I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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