Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
