Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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