Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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