btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
