I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
