i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
