I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
Randomize
