I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Randomize
