Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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