Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Hypothetically speaking, at what point does fire become too much fire?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
