My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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