My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
