and trust me i need no booty pop lessons
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
