Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
