According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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