So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
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