i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
Randomize
