Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
