I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
