i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Thank you for not boning my boss.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
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