Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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