Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
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