I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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