Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
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