I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
