Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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