I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Randomize
