I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I think people are normalizing furries
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Randomize
