Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I love having hate sex.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
