my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
