The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
Randomize
