Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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