Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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