It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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