How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I GOT THE PAPER IN AT 11:58
EAT MY ENTIRE ASS COM 101
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
