We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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