I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.
Probably is probably an understatement.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Randomize
