I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
