Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
Randomize
