Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
