you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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