So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
