The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
