well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
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