The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
