Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
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