I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
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