You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
