I wannas sexs uuuuu
Non-Jews are for practice
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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