I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
