i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
