i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
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