chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
