My balls are so social today.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
